What is necessary

When Kelsie was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, I knew there would come a day where she would be sick. I knew there would likely be frequent respiratory infections and hospitalizations. But of course, I didn't know when to expect them. At first, we expected the worse. But little by little, those anxieties were put aside as we just enjoyed each day with our perfectly normal and healthy little girl. She has been exceptionally healthy and has only had 3 colds her whole life - which in my line of work in pediatric primary care, I know how rare that is. So I think we even started to think at some point, "maybe she is just going to be one of those CF kids who have little respiratory involvement." She literally NEVER coughed until this infection started 8 weeks ago. But now, here we are, her first cough and she is getting a bronch and facing possible admission. And she isn't even 2 yet. I still can't believe it. I know some kids with CF don't experience their first admission until they are teenagers. Others are infants. I always thought, and truly believed, that we would at least make it until school age before Kelsie got admitted. And we still don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, so I'm still going to hope and pray that happens!

I just hate putting my child through these scary procedures. She is too young to understand why we have to do this. I don't want her to hurt and I don't want her to feel scared. I feel so sad that she has to go through this and that I can't stop it. I have done everything I can to avoid this and I still don't know that I have made the right decision. I didn't want to overreact and make her go through all of this without knowing it was absolutely necessary. But I didn't want to blow it off either and risk a subtle infection causing damage to her lungs. I felt completely torn. But then when she woke up this morning coughing much worse than she has been, I knew it was time. I realized it was now necessary and I couldn't prolong it any longer. The realization hit me hard. That no matter how well I take care of her and do exactly like I am supposed to, and no matter how closely I monitor her every symptom, I just cannot prevent her getting sick. Its simply the nature of the disease. I have to accept it. I know its not that bad right now and in the grand scheme of things, things could be a lot worse. But its the first time we are having to go through this and its our first real confrontation with her disease. So its hard. Hard to accept and hard to deal with. But I will muster up the strength to make it through it and will do all I can to make sure it is the best experience for her it can possibly be. I will be right there with her through it all and will make it as fun as possible. We will make it through it regardless of what happens. God will give me the strength to be my best for her and He will protect her. When I can't be there during the procedure, He will be the One holding her hand. And I have to trust that He has a purpose in all of this.