My duty, my desire

And, she's down for a nap! While I love my days at home with Kelsie, I have to admit, I do look forward to nap time! It is often the only time I sit down all day, at least the only time I sit down when I'm not constantly giving all my attention to her - doing her PT/breathing treatments, trying to get her to eat, engaging her in play or art activities (aka keeping her from eating the crayons/paint/etc).

Being a mom is the greatest and most amazing job in the world. It is a joy beyond any other to conceive a child, to carry her in your womb and deliver her into this world, to see that precious and perfect little person for the first time, to nurture her and celebrate every new movement, to watch her grow, reach new milestones, to see her personality evolve, to help her learn, to see her change every day, to see the joy in her heart when she experiences something new and exciting, and to relish in the sound of her laughter, her smiling face, her hugs and kisses, and her unconditional love for you.

But being a mother is also extremely challenging and overwhelming at times. It means being in constant movement, alert to their every need - the feedings, the dirty diapers, the endless calls for attention, cleaning up after messes, the toys everywhere, the laundry, the food on the floor that you worked tirelessly to prepare, the need to provide healthy, well balanced meals, to make sure they eat enough and grow well, to provide constant stimulation to help them develop, to take them places to experience new things, to listen to their cries and protests, to witness their tantrums and outright disobedience, to try to discipline the right way, to try to always hold it together, to show them you love them more than anything, to not yell or show your frustrations, to never have time for yourself, to always worry about their well-being, to feel the unspoken critiques from family/friends about the way you are raising your child, to fear you aren't doing enough...the list goes on and on. 

For me, I have also been dealt with the responsibility of caring for a child with CF. This disease truly requires management all day, every day. With every snack, every feeding, every juice or milk cup, there are meds to be given or supplements to be added. When we go out, I have to make sure I have her meds, her applesauce, her Miralax in her juice, extra diapers/clothes in case she has a blowout, hand sanitizers, antibacterial wipes, Pediasure in her milk, enough snacks, and extra food to have as choices in case she is being picky because the pressure of her getting enough fat/calories is so high. I have to be in constant alert to changes in her appetite and bowel movements, new symptoms of respiratory illness and pay attention to her fat, caloric, salt and fluid intake. I have to make sure we get her PT in every day and get her breathing treatments ready every morning. Even when there is a lot planned for the day, I have to try to figure out how to get those 2 30 minute PT/breathing treatment sessions in. And after I clean up dinner dishes every night, I have to set everything up and thoroughly wash/sanitize all of her nebulizer accessories.  And underneath all of the day to day tasks, there is the unsettling reality that this is constant and will only become more and more challenging as the years go on. You know that your time with the greatest love you have ever felt, the light of your life, your precious child, is likely one day going to be cut short because of this illness. So you just feel that weight on your heart...daily. No matter what people say or how much hope or faith you have, you just can't shake the underlying fear of when that day might come. You don't let it consume you. But while you continue to live each day of your life, you know its always there in the back of your mind...

My job also adds another dimension to my life as a mother. In my opinion, being a mother is a full time job in and of itself. Every mother is faced with the constant demands of raising a child and maintaining a home, whether she works full time, stays at home with her kids, or works part time. I am currently working two days a week at one job and 1 night a week at another job. This has been a pretty good balance for me. It is such a blessing to have a job and I love what I do. Nursing is very close to my heart and it is definitely a rewarding career to work as a nurse practitioner and take care of children. I often see my job as a bit of a break but it can be demanding as well. I always have work to bring home but with all the other demands of motherhood, it is often hard to find the time for it. When you add to it the responsibilities of trying to be a good wife, housekeeper, and cook, it can be a lot for a woman to bear sometimes.

But regardless of how demanding it is to be a mom, raise a toddler, care for a child with a chronic illness, and work... I wouldn't trade this life for anything...nothing I had before, and nothing I could have without it. Being a mother is a gift, a responsibility, and a choice!  I know God designed me for this very role. In this season of my life, I feel my greatest responsibility is to be the best mother I can be - to train my child, to teach her, to love her, to nurture her, to give her the best care possible, to guide her and lead her, to enjoy her and relish in her every delight, to show her the beauty of the world and all it has to offer and to help her discover and explore who God has created her to be. It is both my duty and my desire. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love that little girl with every ounce of my being and I will do everything I can to make sure she feels that love every single day.

And for the pressures of life, I will give them to the Lord. I will rest in his abundant love and grace and find peace in his faithfulness. Instead of complaining of the tasks in front of me, I will count them as blessings. Blessed that I have this precious child to care for in the first place, that I have a home to clean, and food to cook. I will give thanks for my supportive husband who works hard to provide for our family and for the job that allows me to use my knowledge and my talents while serving the community. I will be thankful for my family who is always graciously willing to help when we need them. I will think less about how I measure up according to others' perceptions of me and focus more on how God sees me and what I am doing for His glory. I will trust God with Kelsie's future and hand my fears over to Him. Most of all, I will embrace my duties with thanksgiving and positivity and praise God for this crazy, but beautiful life I have before me.