Last weekend

So much has been going on this week, that I haven't had a chance to write about last weekend and post pictures! Last Saturday Valerie and Drew came up to babysit so Nathan and I could go out on a date. :) We had a great dinner at Outback and then walked around a few stores, and of course ended up buying some things for Kelsie.  Even though we didn't do much, we had fun enjoying some time with just the two of us. Sunday we went to church with my family, had lunch at mom and dad's, and then went to Nathan's parents for dessert. It was a great weekend and everyone enjoyed spending time with Kelsie especially since she was in great mood the whole time. We have another fun weekend ahead as we celebrate the 4th!

Sitting with grandpa in his big chair!

A moment of weakness, A moment of faith

Each time Kelsie has had a CF checkup, we have received nothing but positive news. She's growing, her labs look good, her exam is normal, she isn't sick - she is happy and thriving just like any other 4 month old. Yet, despite everything going as well as it can, I still find myself feeling so down and depressed after these visits. Its almost as though I have to relive the diagnosis all over again. Even though I have accepted the diagnosis, I have yet to experience all of it. And I'm afraid that one day I will have to. The management of CF seems to kind of build upon itself and each visit brings something new and a little more involved. Nothing big and scary at this point and nothing that is worrisome or overly difficult, but new all the same. At first there was introduction of the enzymes and chest PT, then there was a chest x-ray and labs, then the sedation and pulmonary function testing and next there will be more changes and inhaled therapies and new ways of doing chest PT and more feeding challenges. Its all a continual process and a reminder that this will never go away! Kelsie will ALWAYS have CF. And no matter how badly I just want to take it away from her and bear that burden for her, I will never be able to. So as I was thinking through all of this on my way to work this morning, I became really emotional imagining the road my Kelsie will have to travel with CF. I was suddenly consumed by my fears and uncertainties. But then almost as soon as the tears started flowing, this song came on the radio - I lift my hands by Chris Tomlin. The timing was impeccable and as He has done before, God spoke to me through this song, reminding me to have faith and trust Him. For He is my refuge, my strength, and all my hope is in Him and what He can do.

Still sleeping....

Its 6:30 pm and Kelsie is still sleeping! She received her 1st dose of sedation around 10:30 this morning but because she didn't get into a deep enough of a sleep and was still moving when they touched her face, they had to give her more medicine.  She woke up from the sedation a little after 12 but only long enough to eat for maybe 3 minutes.  I woke her up around 3:15 and fed her, then she pooped, I changed her, and she was back asleep within 30 minutes..and has been asleep ever since! She woke up once, but looked groggy and confused, then she started crying, took her paci and snuggled up on me and went back to sleep.  So it looks like I'm going to have to wake her to eat again. :( She is also very gassy, a common side effect of the medicine, so I can tell that is bothering her too. Makes me sad that she feels bad. I sure wish I didn't have to leave her and go to work the next 2 days! And to make it worse, on my next day off, I have to take her in for her 4 month shots. Eh, not looking to be the best week!

With all this sleeping, you would think I would do some housework, but instead, I just sat in the bed beside her so I could keep an eye on her.  So this is how we have spent the afternoon...

4p - sound asleep....

still snoozin...

starting to wake up...

but still drowsy and needing some cuddle time...

and back to sleep.

Sleepy baby

We are home from Kelsie's procedure and she is still snoozing from the sedation. It is so pitiful to see her so limp and out of it. When she first woke up, she was very upset and both groggy and hungry. She didn't even really open her eyes but was just crying inconsolably. I tried nursing her but that even took a while to calm her down. She finally ate for a few minutes but fell back asleep and has been OUT ever since. She is like a dish rag and I don't like it! I'm ready for her to wake up. It has been 8 hours since she has really eaten and I just want her to come out of it so I know she is ok. The nurse side of me knows she is ok, but the mommy side of me doesn't think like a nurse! They told me to expect her to be a little gassy and extra fussy today as well. Not sure how the evening is going to go, but I'm afraid she is going to be pretty uncomfortable trying to figure out why she feels so funny and why she hasn't eaten all day. :(

As for the results, all of her lung functioning looked great! Her weight today was 14lbs 11oz (6.635kg) and her length was almost 24 inches. She is still 75th percentile for weight and has increased from 25th to 40th percentile for length! So her growth still looks fantastic! They also drew some basic blood work, so hopefully that will all look good as well.

Dreading tomorrow...

Tomorrow Kelsie has her first pulmonary function test. This is routinely done in patients with CF around 4 months of age and is a baseline test to measure her lung function while she is well. If she gets sick, it will be used as a comparison to determine how badly her lungs are being affected by the infection and will help to guide treatment decisions.  This test is routinely done in patients with asthma; and in older children and adults, is as simple as measuring how well one can take in and blow out a breath. But in babies, it is obviously impossible to ask them to breathe in and out on demand, so they must be sedated. While under sedation, they put her in a special box and force air in and out, measuring her lung capacity. I'm sure she will do perfectly fine, but still dread watching her go through that. I know it will be harder on me than it will her, but I still just hate the thought of sitting at the hospital for a few hours while my baby undergoes this procedure. We are praying that the test comes back to show that her lungs are functioning at optimal level for a 4 month old, but also realize that because she has CF, it is likely that this will not be the case! Please pray for my strength as well, because its just another reminder that she has CF, something which still tears at my heart. However, I still know that God is in control and praise Him that she has been so healthy so far!

4 months!

Kelsie will be 4 months old tomorrow and getting cuter and smarter every day! ;) As babies do at this age, she is changing ever so quickly and doing all kinds of new things. Her muscles are obviously becoming more developed because she is getting so strong! She no longer just wants to recline in your lap.  Nope, she is constantly trying to raise her self up to sit or stand even...she's going to have some rock-hard abs I tell you! And it just amazes us how well she can stand and bear her own weight! She stiffens out those legs and is determined to stand up when we are holding her and really impresses us with how well she holds herself up. I keep her balanced, but she bears her own weight. She is also holding her self up pretty steady when sitting as well, but takes a nose dive if she sits unsupported for very long. Of course, we never leave her alone sitting and are always there to catch her as she topples forward. She's still got a couple of months before we expect her to be sitting up anyway. When on her tummy, she sits up on her elbows now and is SO close to rolling over to her back. She is also moving her legs like she is trying to crawl.  Her voice is coming out more and more too, and it just cracks us up at the sounds and whiny voices she makes. When she wants something, she starts by whining and making little squeals before she starts crying. Its actually pretty cute. She loves her hands and chews on them constantly and plays with them especially when she is trying to fall asleep. Another thing she has started is sucking on her 1st 2 fingers instead of just her thumb. It seems to be either the right thumb or the left forefinger and middle finger together at the same time. However, I've noticed she is starting to suck on the fingers on her right hand too.

Wanting to take off...

 

strong, cute girl :)

 

Always trying to raise up

Work

Well, I made it. This past week was a test, as it was my longest span of work since Kelsie has been born. I worked 4 out of 5 days (Sat, Sun, Tues, Wed) but I survived! It sounds silly, I'm sure, but I just hate being away from her that much. Once I get to work, I enjoy it, but I still miss her like crazy and by the time evening rolls around, I just can't get home fast enough. Thankfully, my mom is able to be here with her while I work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so that makes it a lot less stressful. She comes up on Tuesday morning and then spends the night and leaves on Wednesday evening after I get home from work. She also does a lot to help with housework and cooks dinner both nights, which is so helpful! It is such a blessing!! I should also mention that Nathan's mom came up last week to keep Kelsie since my mom couldn't be here and I was so impressed with how much cleaning she did around here. Since we had just gotten back from the beach, the house was basically a disaster and she turned it around by the time I got home and even had dinner ready! Needless to say, our moms are the ultimate nannies and we are SO thankful for their willingness to help!

As excited as I am about my mom keeping Kelsie, I realize that it is only temporary as she will start back to work after summer break (mid-August).  That is only 7 weeks away, yet we are still unsure who is going to keep Kelsie after that point. Because of her CF, daycare is not an option for us. We do not want to expose her to so many germs at such a young age and want to keep her lungs healthy for as long as possible. So we are just praying that something else will work out! Oh, and if anyone has any suggestions, (or offers) please let me know! :)

An all around good day!

A few highlights from the day:

• This happens everyday but I never get tired of it... going to Kelsie's crib when she wakes up and seeing her smile so big like she is so excited to see me!
• Kelsie took a good 2 hour nap this morning so used that time to straighten up around the house and even cleaned out the refrigerator - made me feel so accomplished :)
• Sang along with a Taylor Swift song and danced with Kelsie - she thought it was pretty funny :)
• We went on a walk in the neighborhood
• I put Kelsie down in her crib at naptime while she was still awake and she got herself to sleep! Big milestone! And I may have discovered a little trick - she likes to pull blankets up to her face when she is getting tired so I gave her one to snuggle with and I think it helped her fall asleep
• She nursed much better today so I feel like my milk supply is getting back to normal
• My dear friend, Jess, who is now living in Atlanta texted me this morning and said she was in town for the day so we met her for a nice chat at Panera. It was such a treat and reminded me how much I miss her and her family!
• Hearing Kelsie show off more of her voice especially when she is trying to tell me what she wants (tired, hungry, etc.) 
• On the drive home, Kelsie was whining and was tired and getting hungry, so I reached my arm back and in seconds she was asleep. It was a sweet reminder that she finds such comfort in something as simple as the feeling of my hand on her cheek. 
• All the cuddles and kisses from Kelsie that make everyday as her mom so wonderful!

Kelsie's 3month portraits!

So, for Father's Day, I surprised Nathan and had Kelsie's pictures made in his State tie. But don't be mistaken, this is only a reflection of our love for him, not our love for State! ;)

We were so pleased with how great she did and how well the pictures turned out!! She is so much fun and we just adore her sweet smile!!!!

Love my little bug

This week, I have just been thinking how absolutely crazy I am over my sweet baby! I just LOVE being her mommy! It truly is the greatest gift of my life and I just can't get enough of her. Her sweet smile just lights me up! I could hug and kiss on her all day! And there is no doubt she loves my kisses because she grins so big when I give her sugar and he new favorite sound is that of big kiss. :)  And when I tell her how much I love her, sometimes I think she is telling me back with that soft little "goo" and sweet smile. We definitely have some precious moments, the two of us. And I love watching her and her daddy together too. He is so great with her and just adores his little girl! It is so sweet to watch her smile when she sees him or hears his voice. We just love being parents! Each day there is this precious little person to wake up to, snuggle with, love on, talk to, and play with. And each day she brings so much laughter and excitement and joy to our lives. We are so in love. <3

Yikes! Where is mommy's milk?

This past week has been a bit stressful recovering from this awful mastitis. After about 2-3 days, the pain and redness finally subsided but what followed was a dramatic decrease in my milk supply! I started noticing Kelsie getting really agitated during feedings and was still hungry afterwards. So I knew I was not producing enough milk to satisfy her and had to start giving her a couple ounces of pumped milk after feedings. It is such an awful feeling to feed your baby and see that they are not getting enough, but thankfully, I had some reserve stored up in the freezer! On Wednesday, I worked and was so distressed to find that I was only pumping about 1/2 of what she takes per feeding. I expected this to be the case on the side with the infection, but my supply was actually down on both sides. A lactation consultant told me that some women never get their full supply back after mastitis so I became so stressed and worried that that would happen to me. I really want Kelsie to receive only breast milk for as long as possible so I have been working hard to try to keep up my supply and recover from this infection. It requires alot more work (warm water soaks, hot compresses, massage, Ibuprofen, pumping...even in the middle of the night.) but I think it is definitely worth it. I also started a supplement called Fenugreek that is supposed to boost the milk supply. Other than making me smell like maple syrup, it has no other effects and already seems to be working. I just pray it continues to build back up and that I never get mastitis again!!!!

BEACH!!

Sorry I've been MIA. The past week has been quite busy, and I still have yet to fully recover.We took Kelsie on her first beach trip this past weekend! Our wonderful friends, the Batchellers, graciously invited us to join them on a little weekend getaway at Myrtle Beach and we had a fabulous time. It was fun to introduce Kelsie to the ocean, the sandy beach, and the pool. She really seemed to enjoy all of the new experiences and was a very good baby the entire time! The adults also enjoyed getting to spend some time together and "relax" a bit - in theory anyway! :) I, unfortunately, got mastitis while we were there and spent much of the last 24 hours sick in the bed. It was truly one of my sickest moments. I went from feeling great at the pool to having fever and shaking chills bundled up under the covers with horrendous body aches, in a matter of an hour. Thankfully, our doctor was gracious enough to call me in an antibiotic right away. I was absolutely miserable until the meds kicked in. And as soon as they wore off, it hit me like a ton bricks again and I was back in bed, but even worse. :( It was definitely a bummer to deal with that while on vacation but overall, it was still a fantastic little trip.

When we first walked Kelsie out on the beach, she was wide eyed and alert, and even let out a few big smiles as we were walking her to the ocean. When I put her feet in, she looked a bit stunned as she was trying to figure it all out but didn't whimper a bit. She was digging those little toes in the sand and was trying to stand up. I think she really liked it! :)

Toes in the sand

The first time we put Kelsie in the pool, she just took a few deep breaths, again stunned at the cool water. She didn't cry but didn't splash like bathtime either. The 2nd time, she was overdue for a nap so she wasn't too happy about the cold water for very long. However, after a good hour nap by the pool, she was ready to get back in and really enjoyed herself. She even got those little feet kicking a bit. Swimming will be a great sport for her lungs one day so we are starting her out early. :)

"Whew mommy, that is cold! Let me in slowly!"

Thats some good sleepin! :)

Especially when you wake up this happy!

Not too sure....

...Ok, I think I like it! 

Fun times!

Because Kelsie is so young, we were a little apprehensive about having her out at the beach for very long since she is too little to wear alot of sunscreen. So Nathan bought a beach tent and it worked perfectly. It made for a great place to keep her cool, let her nap, and keep her in the shade. At the pool, we stayed under the umbrella or pulled up the sunshade when she was in her float.  With CF, we also have to be aware of how much she sweats so we tried to make sure she didn't get too hot, but with the ocean breeze, that was never really an issue. And that salty beach air is really good for her lungs, so it felt somewhat therapeutic just to have her outside. Even though we do not see any direct effects from that right now (in other words, she isn't able to tell us that she can breathe easier at the beach), theoretically, that is supposed to be the case, so it felt good just knowing that.

She was doing a lot of talking

We really enjoyed our time with the Batchellers: Christian, Ashley, Brooks, and Price. They are some of the sweetest, most Godly people we know and have become such dear friends since we have moved to Pittsboro. We look forward to many more fun times as we watching our kids grow up together! Their family has a beautiful condo at the beach and we really enjoyed our stay! 

I think Price really has a thing for Kelsie... ;)

Sweet Brooks!

Beautiful view

Yay for our first family beach trip! :)